Ben & Jenny

An open letter to Ben Affleck:

Ben,

Thanks for leaving the toilet seat up. Your wife, Jennifer Garner, is wrong to impose a fine of $5.00 for violating her absurd mandate. As a man concerned with good hygiene, I, like you, prefer to leave the seat up because it makes more sense and shows concern for the next person.

For men, urination is a matter of urgency; they wait until there is hardly any time to pick up the seat. And in less than 30 seconds it’s shake, zip, sink, and out the door. The procedure is purely utilitarian.

When I find the seat up, I expect it to be clean. When it’s down, I clean it first if I intend to sit – knowing that men, to avoid embarrassment, will quickly smear urine residue on the seat with a wad of toilet paper. It’s simpler than picking up the seat and putting it down again. In any event, good hygiene requires everyone to look before they sit.

For most women it’s more than that. They value esthetics over utility and will leave the seat down even though they had to clean before sitting. If the previous woman left it up it would’ve saved her the trouble but, keeping up appearances is much more important.

Ben, your wife is out of line and has no right to levy a fine. The next time she is “irritated and grossed out” by you leaving the seat up, ask her, why is there a hinge on the seat? If the issue is esthetics, then it’s simply a matter of opinion. I suggest the next time Jennifer falls in you should impose a fine for not looking before sitting.